Indecision 2000 - The Funnies

The Good, The Bad, and The Just Plain Stupid

  
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NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

(And the American response)

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your  independence, effective today. 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which  she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP  for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a  world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without  the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of  you noticed. 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following  rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.  Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be  amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,  you  should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up  "vocabulary". Using  the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as  "like"  and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of  communication.  Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know  on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.  It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as  the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The  Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would  not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good  game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your  borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You  will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper  football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to  play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve  stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body  armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby  sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that  there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The  Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for you know what.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new  national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for  your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we  mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation. HRH QE2

-----------

Revocation of Independence: The American response

1) Don't make us kick your asses again. You had enough trouble with Argentina, for Pete's sake.

2) "American" football is the greatest sport ever  invented. I would think it would suit your colonialist British nature, since it involves gaining and then holding territory.  Unlike soccer, (the proper name
for such foolishness) in American football you don't have "chaps" lying on the ground screaming in agony if someone touches their shirt.

3) "aluminum" - 4 syllables
    "aluminium"- 5 syllables

     Why use more energy to get the same point across?

4) It's interesting that you disparage (one for you to look up) American cars,but don't compare them to cars of English manufacture. I wonder why that is?

5) We have fought dearly and with great cost to rid ourselves of English food. How many English restaurants do you see in the U.S.? Why do you feel the need to boil everything? There is more to
life than mashed potato.

6) What on earth is 'Guy Fawkes Day'? Why do you have a holiday for a man that tried to blow up your government?

7) I won't even mention World War II. (oops)

8) You should study vocabulary as well. "Lift" is  a verb, not a noun. A "torch" is a wooden object set aflame, not a battery-powered light, etc, etc.

9) We are glad that you find our politics so amusing. You've had us in stitches with that 'monarchy' thing for years.

Lottery Winning Numbers

Florida Lottery Commission
State Capitol Building
Tallahassee, FL

Dear Sirs:

On Friday, November 3, 2000, I picked the numbers 7-38-18-41-3-30.  Saturday night when the numbers were announced I found that the numbers I picked were selected, however when I checked my lottery ticket I found that I must have marked the wrong numbers by mistake because my lottery ticket indicated the wrong numbers. The card that I marked to be read by the computer is hard to read and it is easy to mark the wrong column.

I  know that you will honor my request that I will be considered the winner
because I selected the right number and just made a small mistake.

If you won't pay me for intending to mark the winning numbers, I want to
have you to declare a recount of the Nov 4th Lottery and allow me to select
the numbers that came up on the 4th.

Respectfully,

Shirley Lotz
West Palm Beach, Florida

 

Immediate Job Opportunity in Florida

WANTED: One fat lady to go to Florida and sing !!

New Slogans For Florida

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17, 311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.
Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way,5 miles, wait 10 miles.

Rules of Golf for Democrats

1. Democrats get to keep shooting until one gets par or an acceptable score.
2. Democrats are allowed to keep score by hand, Republicans are not allowed to keep score at all, the Democrats will appoint someone to keep score for them.
3. If a Republican shoots par or under par on a hole, a Democratic appointee will sue in Court to a Democratic appointed judge that the score is invalid.
4. Holes for Democrats will be 3 ft in diameter (to allow for less confusion); Republicans will use the regulation size holes.
5. If a shot is missed by a Democrat, it will be counted as if the Democrat intended it to go in, and be certified by a written statement by the Rev. Jessie Jackson.
6. Scores by Democrats can be changed after the round, if they can prove one or more of the following:
a) Trees were improperly placed on the course.
b) Wind speed was too strong.
c) Water was placed on the course in a way that confused the Democrat on club selection.

Social Studies
We now live in a country where I have no President but I do have ...

1) a dead Senator from Missouri going to Congress.
2) a fake President played on TV by Martin Sheen.
3) a new Senator from New York who used to be the wife of the boss of the man who may be President.
4) a Governor from Florida who is the brother of the man who may be President and son of a man who was.
5) a sitting President whose wife now will be hanging around the same men who voted to remove him from office.
6) a senior Senator from South Carolina who, under our current Constitution rules, could be appointed to be President in this standoff despite the fact that he is 98.
7) a potential Vice President who, because he did not take his name off the Connecticut Senate race, could end up being the deciding factor in how the Senate is composed.

And finally ....
8) A state where a Republican Secretary of State and a Democratic Attorney General try to determine the outcome of 25 electoral votes without appearing to be partisan.

Any questions? Frankly, I don't see what the confusion is all about.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF ELECTION

On the twelfth day of the election,
My country gave to me:
Twelve lawsuits pending,
Eleven counties counting,
Ten Pundits primping,
Nine lawyers filing,
Eight deadlines passing
Seven votes outstanding,
Six judges judging,
Five pregnant chads.
Four spinning pols,
Three recounts,
Two candidates,
And a void in the presidency!

TOP TEN WAYS TO RESOLVE THE 2000 ELECTION 

#10 Gore is President Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, Bush Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday and alternate Sundays. Bush gets Presidency for two weeks during summer, Gore gets all major holidays including Jewish holy days. 

#9 Laura Bush and Tipper Gore mud wrestle for Presidency live on pay per view. 

#8 Get Martin Sheen to play the President, and outside of the improvement, most people won't notice the difference. 

#7 Bush & Gore sue each other in Federal Court. Winner gets the Presidency. Winner's lawyer gets Oregon, Indiana and one of the Carolinas. 

#6 One round, paper scissors rock, no flinchies, no do-overs. 

#5 Person chosen to co-host with Regis Philbin also President. 

#4 Run the election again on Thursday and Saturday. (Best Two out of Three Wins) 

#3 Tipper & Laura in a swimsuit competition. 

#2 Al Gore and George W. Bush ride Disney's Magic Mountain continuously until one of them falls off. If both fall off simultaneously Ralph Nader is named the winner and gets to declare Disney ride unsafe at any speed. 

#1 Just let Bill Clinton keep on being President. You know he wants to. 

Floridian Groundhog Day

The world awaits the pending emergence of the Florida State Supreme Court
Justices. Rumor has it that if, when they emerge, they see their shadow,
there will be six more weeks of election.

 - Virgil Green

"Now I wish I'd never invented that Electoral College."  - Vice President Al Gore, 11/8/2000
Too much Bush and Gore

The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans
are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.
They disagreed, however, on the details.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much
blood and violence in the movies and on television.?

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media
present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words,

Bush says there is too much gore, and
Gore says there is too much bush.
From Florida:

An open letter to the rest of the country -
 
Ok, here is the deal - we here in Florida have all gotten together and decided to hold the rest of the
country hostage with these here election results till you come and take your parents back home with you!
That's right, we're tired of  hearing how good it was back home and how beautiful your children are.  We
can't stand it any longer! And where did they learn to DRIVE!!! We're  running out of Depends down here, and it's gonna get messy. You want a president, We want the speed limit over 20mph.  Is it a deal?
George W. you listening? How about you, Mr., Gore? Ya gettin' this? We need a break, and quit sending the Canadians down here, too! We mean it!  We're not lettin the results out.  We'll stall with law suits and claim ballot fraud, anything till you come and take the old devils outta here!
Signed, Greg B.
P.S. ( I voted 1787 times, but I only used my real name 976 times so, I'll never get caught.)
POST ELECTION EXODUS
 
As you are probably aware, if the voting results in Florida stand as  they are now, George W. Bush will be our next President. This will have catastrophic results in our vital, indispensable entertainment industry.

Barbara Streisand, Ed Asner, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin, Martin Sheen, Rosie O'Donnell among many others, have sworn to leave the country if George W. Bush is elected President.

And this is where YOU can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need volunteers to provide airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they can change their minds.

For the cost of a small SUV you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters and pictures from your chosen "refugee" as they learn to become a useful citizen in the third world country of their choosing.

You will help, won't you? It costs so little, but it means so much.  Call 1-800-deport-a-lib. Operators are standing by. Major Credit cards are accepted.
Virtually anyone can be a Democrat - simply quit thinking and vote that way.

But, if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first:

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2.  You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3.  You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law abiding Americans are more of a threat than US nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4.  You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.
5.  You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6.  You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.
7.  You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
8.  You have to believe that businesses create oppression, and government creates prosperity.
9.  You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists in Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe that the Military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12.  You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinhem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe that Republicans telling the truth belong in jail but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
Subject: Santa's Letters
 
It is rumored that Al GORE has subpoenaed  Santa Claus over some "irregularities" that have been found on Christmas  list  handling procedures. After the recent Florida Supreme court ruling ordered a 3rd election recount, Gore has allegedly said that "checking a  list, and checking it twice" cannot possibly discern the true wishes of  the children.

And the part about "who has been naughty, and who has  been nice" is clearly a value judgment that does not take into account the circumstance surrounding said malfeasance.

Santa's list was obtained under the "Freedom of Information act" and immediately a boiler room call center was formed to call all children to see if items listed on  Santa's list were, in fact, the true desires of the kids.

Several  indicated that they had intended to ask for Sony Playstations, and instead  had checked off Nintendo 64. Many of the children were emotionally distraught and felt that the entire Christmas letter
writing experience was outdated and "hard to understand."

In reviewing the post marks of the Christmas letters, it was found by Democrat Canvassing officials that certain letters, particularly those that requested "G.I. Joe" dolls were not properly postmarked. Those letters (obviously from Republican children) were thrown out.

Democrat officials have asked that Palm Beach, Broward and Dade County children, each be contacted in person and  have their requests reviewed for accuracy.

Santa Claus indicated that there was not possibly enough time to get to each child by December  25.

The Florida Supreme court is now considering postponement of Christmas until December 30th, to allow for a "full and accurate" list to be compiled.

Application for residency

Palm Beach County, Fla.

This questionnaire is used to ensure that the applicant for residency will assimilate into the type of community that we here, in Palm Beach county, have strived to create.

In which direction is this arrow pointing? ==
[ ] Left
[ ] Down
[ ] Up
[ ] Don't know
[ ] All of the above
The word "Gore" is spelled:
[ ] B-U-S-H
[ ] B-U-C-H-A-N-A-N
[ ] All of the above
[ ] Don't know
When looking for a space in a parking lot, you notice an aisle with the parking space lines slanted towards the right (/ /), and a painted arrow pointing to you. You should:
[ ] Turn left, then file a lawsuit in Federal court because the parking lot has caused too much confusion.
[ ] Call Jesse Jackson, and have a rally against the injustice the parking lot is creating.
A "One Way" sign pointing in this direction ( ==) means:
[ ] Keep going straight
[ ] Turn right, the sign is illegal
Florida State is playing Miami. You should root for:
[ ] Notre Dame
[ ] Michigan
[ ] Notre Dame during the game, then complain about Miami losing after the game is over.
[ ] Miami, then complain about Florida State losing after the game is over.
At the end of the Miami Florida State game, Miami wins by one point. Which of the following statements apply:
  • [ ] Demand a recount
  • [ ] Demand another recount
  • [ ] Demand a third recount
  • [ ] Demand that the game be replayed until Florida State wins.
  • [ ] All of the above
  • [ ] None of the above (only applicable if applying for temporary residence)
  • Thank you for choosing Palm Beach County as your primary place to live*

    * 19,000 applications

    TITANIC'S LAST MYSTERY REVEALED  

    For years, the admiralty and maritime scholars have reviewed every statistic regarding the late great ship. The simple facts were that the ship sailed with 2,214 men, women and children aboard. Of that number, 1,503 perished while only 711 survived. One of the last great mysteries was the previously unexplained fact that, of the 711 survivors, 704 were registered Republicans. It has been only a theory for years, but recent events in Florida confirm earlier suspicions: all Republicans aboard the Titanic were able to follow the arrows  to the life rafts.

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