Indecision 2000 - The Funnies
The Good, The Bad, and The Just Plain Stupid
|New Games For Florida
|West Palm Beach Florida – Simplified Election Ballet 2000
REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of
In the light of your failure to elect a
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence,
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths
and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there
is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be
A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British
Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
1. You should look up
"revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US
English". We will let Microsoft
know on your
3. You should learn to distinguish the
English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original
national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only
after fully carrying out task 1. We
would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing
American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is
not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that
there is a world outside your borders may have noticed
that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
Initially, it would be best if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
7. You should declare war on Quebec and
France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
that there is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad
guys. "Merde" is French for you know what.
8. July 4th is no longer a public
holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in England.
It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned.
They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show
you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's
been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation. HRH QE2
Independence: The American response
1) Don't make us kick your asses again. You had enough trouble
with Argentina, for Pete's sake.
2) "American" football is the greatest sport ever
invented. I would think it would suit your colonialist
British nature, since it involves gaining and then holding
territory. Unlike soccer, (the proper name
for such foolishness) in American football you don't have
"chaps" lying on the ground screaming in agony if
someone touches their shirt.
3) "aluminum" - 4 syllables
"aluminium"- 5 syllables
use more energy to get the same point across?
4) It's interesting that you disparage (one for you to look up)
American cars,but don't compare them to cars of English
manufacture. I wonder why that is?
5) We have fought dearly and with great
cost to rid ourselves of English food. How many English
restaurants do you see in the U.S.? Why do you feel the need to
boil everything? There is more to
life than mashed potato.
6) What on earth is 'Guy Fawkes Day'? Why do you have a holiday
for a man that tried to blow up your government?
7) I won't even
mention World War II. (oops)
8) You should
study vocabulary as well. "Lift" is a verb, not
a noun. A "torch" is a wooden object set aflame, not a
battery-powered light, etc, etc.
9) We are glad that you
find our politics so amusing. You've had us in stitches with
that 'monarchy' thing for years.
Florida Lottery Commission
State Capitol Building
On Friday, November 3, 2000, I picked the numbers
7-38-18-41-3-30. Saturday night when the numbers were
announced I found that the numbers I picked were selected,
however when I checked my lottery ticket I found that I must
have marked the wrong numbers by mistake because my lottery
ticket indicated the wrong numbers. The card that I marked to be
read by the computer is hard to read and it is easy to mark the
I know that you will honor my request that I will be
considered the winner
because I selected the right number and just made a small
If you won't pay me for intending to mark the winning numbers, I
have you to declare a recount of the Nov 4th Lottery and allow
me to select
the numbers that came up on the 4th.
West Palm Beach, Florida
Immediate Job Opportunity in Florida
WANTED: One fat lady to go to Florida and sing !!
New Slogans For Florida
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit
one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17, 311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.
Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way,5 miles, wait 10 miles.
Rules of Golf for Democrats
1. Democrats get to keep shooting until one gets par or an acceptable score.
2. Democrats are allowed to keep score by hand, Republicans are not allowed to keep score at all,
the Democrats will appoint someone to keep score for them.
3. If a Republican shoots par or under par on a hole, a Democratic appointee will sue in Court to
a Democratic appointed judge that the score is invalid.
4. Holes for Democrats will be 3 ft in diameter (to allow for less confusion); Republicans will
use the regulation size holes.
5. If a shot is missed by a Democrat, it will be counted as if the Democrat
intended it to go in, and be certified by a written statement by the Rev. Jessie Jackson.
6. Scores by Democrats can be changed after the round, if they can prove one or more of the following:
a) Trees were improperly placed on the course.
b) Wind speed was too strong.
c) Water was placed on the course in a way that confused the Democrat on club selection.
We now live in a country where I have no President but I do have ...
1) a dead Senator from Missouri going to Congress.
2) a fake President played on TV by Martin Sheen.
3) a new Senator from New York who used to be the wife of the boss of
the man who may be President.
4) a Governor from Florida who is the brother of the man who may be President and son of a man who was.
5) a sitting President whose wife now will be hanging around the same men who voted to remove him from office.
6) a senior Senator from South Carolina who, under our current Constitution rules, could be appointed to be President in this standoff despite the fact that he is 98.
7) a potential Vice President who, because he did not take his name off the Connecticut Senate race, could end up being the deciding factor in how the Senate is composed.
And finally ....
8) A state where a Republican Secretary of State and a Democratic Attorney General try to determine the outcome of 25 electoral votes without appearing to be partisan.
Any questions? Frankly, I don't see what the confusion is all about.
THE TWELVE DAYS OF ELECTION
On the twelfth day of the election,
My country gave to me:
Twelve lawsuits pending,
Eleven counties counting,
Ten Pundits primping,
Nine lawyers filing,
Eight deadlines passing
Seven votes outstanding,
Six judges judging,
Five pregnant chads.
Four spinning pols,
And a void in the presidency!
TOP TEN WAYS TO RESOLVE THE 2000 ELECTION
#10 Gore is President Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, Bush Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday and alternate Sundays. Bush gets Presidency for two
weeks during summer, Gore gets all major holidays including Jewish holy days.
#9 Laura Bush and Tipper Gore mud wrestle for Presidency live on pay per view.
#8 Get Martin Sheen to play the President, and outside of the improvement, most people won't notice the difference.
#7 Bush & Gore sue each other in Federal Court. Winner gets the Presidency. Winner's lawyer gets Oregon, Indiana and one of the Carolinas.
#6 One round, paper scissors rock, no flinchies, no do-overs.
#5 Person chosen to co-host with Regis Philbin also President.
#4 Run the election again on Thursday and Saturday. (Best Two out of Three Wins)
#3 Tipper & Laura in a swimsuit competition.
#2 Al Gore and George W. Bush ride Disney's Magic Mountain continuously until one of them falls off. If both fall off simultaneously Ralph Nader is
named the winner and gets to declare Disney ride unsafe at any speed.
#1 Just let Bill Clinton keep on being President. You know he wants to.
The world awaits the pending emergence of the Florida State
Justices. Rumor has it that if, when they emerge, they see their
there will be six more weeks of election.
- Virgil Green
"Now I wish I'd never invented that
Electoral College." - Vice President Al Gore,
Too much Bush and Gore
The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans
are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.
They disagreed, however, on the details.
The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much
blood and violence in the movies and on television.?
Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media
present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words,
Bush says there is too much gore, and
Gore says there is too much bush.
An open letter to the rest of the country -
Ok, here is the deal - we here in
Florida have all gotten together and decided to hold the rest
country hostage with these here election results till you come
and take your parents back home with you!
That's right, we're tired of
hearing how good it was back home and how beautiful your
children are. We
can't stand it any longer! And where did they learn to
DRIVE!!! We're running out of Depends down here, and
it's gonna get messy. You want a president, We want the speed
limit over 20mph. Is it a deal?
George W. you listening? How about you,
Mr., Gore? Ya gettin' this? We need a break, and quit sending
the Canadians down here, too! We mean it! We're not
lettin the results out. We'll stall with law suits and
claim ballot fraud, anything till you come and take the old
devils outta here!
Signed, Greg B.
P.S. ( I voted
1787 times, but I only used my real name 976 times so, I'll
never get caught.)
POST ELECTION EXODUS
As you are probably aware, if the voting results in Florida
stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next
President. This will have catastrophic results in our vital,
indispensable entertainment industry.
Barbara Streisand, Ed Asner, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg,
Alec Baldwin, Martin Sheen, Rosie O'Donnell among many others,
have sworn to leave the country if George W. Bush is elected
And this is where YOU can help. We need volunteers to help pack
and load moving vans. We also need volunteers to provide airfare
for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate
before they can change their minds.
For the cost of a small SUV you can sponsor one of these
celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that
your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters and
pictures from your chosen "refugee" as they learn to
become a useful citizen in the third world country of their
You will help, won't you? It costs so little, but it means so
much. Call 1-800-deport-a-lib. Operators are standing by.
Major Credit cards are accepted.
Virtually anyone can be a Democrat -
simply quit thinking and vote that way.
But, if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some
prerequisites you must have first:
1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is
spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't
teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to
teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law
abiding Americans are more of a threat than US nuclear weapons
technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less
affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's
climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial,
but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment, but
support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create
oppression, and government creates prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about
nature, but loony activists in Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important
than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe that the Military, not corrupt
politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it
supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the
ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees
are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria
Steinhem are more important to American history than Thomas
Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist,
but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't
worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people
haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe that Republicans telling the truth
belong in jail but a liar and sex offender belongs in the
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying
drag, transvestites and bestiality should be
constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas
should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding
by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United
Subject: Santa's Letters
It is rumored that Al GORE has subpoenaed Santa Claus
over some "irregularities" that have been found on
Christmas list handling procedures. After the
recent Florida Supreme court ruling ordered a 3rd election
recount, Gore has allegedly said that "checking a
list, and checking it twice" cannot possibly discern the
true wishes of the children.
And the part about "who has been naughty, and who has
been nice" is clearly a value judgment that does not take
into account the circumstance surrounding said malfeasance.
Santa's list was obtained under the "Freedom of
Information act" and immediately a boiler room call
center was formed to call all children to see if items listed
on Santa's list were, in fact, the true desires of the
Several indicated that they had intended to ask for Sony
Playstations, and instead had checked off Nintendo 64.
Many of the children were emotionally distraught and felt that
the entire Christmas letter
writing experience was outdated and "hard to
In reviewing the post marks of the Christmas letters, it was
found by Democrat Canvassing officials that certain letters,
particularly those that requested "G.I. Joe" dolls
were not properly postmarked. Those letters (obviously from
Republican children) were thrown out.
Democrat officials have asked that Palm Beach, Broward and
Dade County children, each be contacted in person and
have their requests reviewed for accuracy.
Santa Claus indicated that there was not possibly enough time
to get to each child by December 25.
The Florida Supreme court is now considering postponement of
Christmas until December 30th, to allow for a "full and
accurate" list to be compiled.
Palm Beach County, Fla.
This questionnaire is used to ensure
that the applicant for residency will assimilate into the type
of community that we here, in Palm Beach county, have strived to
In which direction is this arrow pointing?
The word "Gore" is spelled:
- [ ] Left
- [ ] Down
- [ ] Up
- [ ] Don't know
- [ ] All of the above
When looking for a space in a parking lot,
you notice an aisle with the parking space lines slanted towards
the right (/ /), and a painted arrow pointing to you. You
- [ ] B-U-S-H
- [ ] B-U-C-H-A-N-A-N
- [ ] All of the above
- [ ] Don't know
Florida State is playing Miami. You should
- [ ] Turn left, then file a lawsuit
in Federal court because the parking lot has caused too much
- [ ] Call Jesse Jackson, and have a
rally against the injustice the parking lot is creating.
- A "One Way" sign pointing
in this direction (ç ==)
- [ ] Keep going straight
- [ ] Turn right, the sign is illegal
At the end of the Miami – Florida State
game, Miami wins by one point. Which of the following statements
[ ] Demand a recount
[ ] Demand another recount
[ ] Demand a third recount
[ ] Demand that the game be replayed
until Florida State wins.
[ ] All of the above
[ ] None of the above (only
applicable if applying for temporary residence)
- [ ] Notre Dame
- [ ] Michigan
- [ ] Notre Dame during the game, then
complain about Miami losing after the game is over.
- [ ] Miami, then complain about
Florida State losing after the game is over.
Thank you for choosing Palm Beach
County as your primary place to live*
* 19,000 applications
For years, the admiralty and maritime
scholars have reviewed every
statistic regarding the late great ship. The simple facts were
that the ship sailed with 2,214 men, women and
children aboard. Of that number, 1,503 perished while only 711 survived. One of the last great mysteries was the
previously unexplained fact that, of the 711 survivors, 704 were
registered Republicans. It has been only a theory for years, but recent
events in Florida confirm earlier suspicions: all Republicans aboard the Titanic were
able to follow the arrows to the life rafts.
|Best Quote Of The
|New Lawsuit in
|Palm Beach Hokey
MSNBC Front Page - Look at the math
|Recounting UCLA vs.
|Help Algore Move out of Dick Cheney's House (Web Site)
|Seuss View of
Supreme Court December 12 Decision (The real thing)
|Al Gore or the Unabomber -- Who Said It-
Take the test.